my daily reflections…

even as i struggled within when i 1st came into the rooms, i knew deep within, i had to be done with all the nonsense. and as each day went by, even as the depression and fear i held within seemed to grow and subside, i didnt know if this thing we do would work for me. i was like the boy whistlin in the dark but knew what was just outside the door. i had made the decision, after the determination, that i was either gonna do this shit, or i wasnt gonna do this shit. had i been defeated? as time slipped away my alcoholism made its presence known. could i go out that door and try to make my drinkin finally work for me? or would i go on to the bitter end, acceptin the death that surely awaited me? it was listenin to others, finally gettin a sponsor, and then doin what the others and my sponsor said, i finally admitted complete defeat. and it wasnt because i was told to, it was because i got into the book, read through the hope of there is a solution, read through and learned more about alcoholism, learned if i was either agnostic or a believer, and then got busy with how it works. from those studied chapters i began to see, understand, learn, and make the decision, based what i was i learnin that i could not go on drinkin with any success, whether filled with barbed anger, hate, or self-loathin. even with those character faults, what i was faced with did not appeal to me. it struck a healthy fear within that spurred me toward the perseverance step 10 was teachin me without me even knowin it. today i understand that without soul searchin and latter surrender, i would not be where i am today. yesterday was my official 17 ½ year mark, and i celebrated with an in-depth big book study meetin. im blessed to be a part of this thing we do and am even more grateful for the wisdom, the knowledge, and fellowship wrapped around this thing we do. ive surrendered, and in doin so, ive won; i have an endurin strength which has sprung and flowered. 1 day @ a time...