Old Wounds Today

My whole life, when they called me lazy I felt I was trying so very hard -- Now they tell me I work so hard And I feel lazy and unworthy of praise -- My life is filled with such joy and connection But my inner life is filled with such loneliness and angst -- If they only knew. If they only knew. -- But I tell them... and they don't believe me -- You're not lazy, Jillian No one could call you lazy, Jillian You're so smart, Jillian You work so hard, Jillian -- But I don't. Not often. Not reliably or predictably or consistently. -- In desperation. In panic. Under pressure, I provide -- In times of relative peace... I hide -- The cycle of panic Frustration Disappointment -- Not even granted the privilege to berate myself To tell myself off and smack myself into line -- They take away my bat. They take away my ammunition. They won't let me hate myself, no matter how I deserve it. -- We will love you until you learn to love yourself -- They did And they do Even as I forget again -- Who is wrong? Me for forgetting? Or them for not realizing? That I really am not that great after all... -- Hey demon. I see you. I sometimes forget you're still there. -- Trying to drive me from hope Blind me to love Remove me from safety. Tie me up. Remind me how I'm different I'm special Entitled -- Don't I remember how they made me feel? How unfair the world is... -- Who cares about the world? Who cares about me? -- Poor me. Poor me. Pour me a drink and load up the spike -- But you. You're just me. Sad, lonely me. Hurt little girl. -- Not broken. But bruised. Shy from the blows. -- You were always loved. You were always cared for. And more now than ever before -- Let yourself be loved. -- Let them take the bat Take the anger -- Remove the pity and scorn Remove the war and conflict -- Surrender to something greater than the pain we self inflict -- You fall short. But stand tall With love With hope We heal. -- From old wounds, we do recover. Old wounds in new forms But still, we do recover .:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.