Sex Addiction – Cause, Effect, Cure

Here is a funny question. Did you know that sex addiction has nothing to do with actual sex? Okay, perhaps more than nothing, but less than you may think. Addiction = Attachment plus Obsession Therefore, sex addiction does not require the participation of another person. What it really means is that we are thinking about sex too much and often for no reason. Thinking about sex is really useless energy. We are either having it or not. When we are having it, thinking is one of the worst things we can do. Sex addiction is focusing on sexual thinking even when we are not engaged in the act of sex. I need to thank the women who helped support my recovery in Al Anon for helping me break my obsession for sex and learn how to listen and relate to women for the first time. For them, I would like to explain the cause, effect and cure for the condition. Like with all character defects and addictions, we are never truly free from them. We are granted a daily reprieve based on the quality of our spiritual condition. One of the tools of recovery is confession. Admitting to a higher power of my design, to myself and other people the exact nature of my wrongs. It keeps me humble and safe from causing the type of harm I once did. The cause of my affliction was my childhood, being raised by a sex addict. My father was a very unhealthy man and sexualized all women, Constantly while watching TV he would comment on a woman's figure and what he would like to do to her. All of this in front of my mother, who gave him 6 children with addictions of their own. I took on my father's habits and into my 50s, I sexualized almost every women I saw or met. It was easy, all I needed to do what focus on their body parts. I first entered Al Anon in my 20's and left because I became married, thought I had graduated. As my first marriage failed I climbed into a bottle and became the alcoholic part of myself. After a year of drinking away the memories of my first marriage, I decided to marry again and what I needed was the exact opposite of my first wife, that would fix everything. I married a woman from over seas and she left me, because she was a true Muslim and I was only participating when I felt like it. After a few more years in and out of relationships, I had enough, I had to find out what was wrong with me. In the company of married women, I slowly figured out who I was and how to be respectful of other people. The acceptance I received from the people I did recovery work with was the healthy parenting and validation that I had not experienced in my youth. In the company of mostly women, I learned how to listen, relate and empathize for the first time in my life at the tables of Al Anon. I rarely think about sex anymore, because I have already had a lot and I cannot risk any of the hazards that come with it. I left two wives badly damaged and I have two sons who I barely get to see in person. I have no business in a romantic relationship while there is so much work I need to do on myself. It is peaceful, and I feel safe knowing it is one less thing for me to worry about. Frankly, the fact that my second son wants nothing to do with me cured me of desire to be a couple. I have caused enough harm to women, I feel a lot better about myself when I relate to them and leave them alone. That is my story, I want to leave others with something practical they can use. First, to reparent my thinking I became painfully aware and self-conscious about something. Out of all the times that I was fantasizing about women, rarely did I have their permission. I started imagining that they were catching me, that they knew what I was thinking and did not appreciate it. Through empathy, I learned how to set boundaries on my thinking. Also, all of the times I engaged in sex that was non committal, it left a small negative impact on my self-esteem. Finally, when I began to sponsor people of all genders, I was forced to face any demons that were left within me. When a beautiful much younger woman approached me after an open talk, I was put to the challenge. I had to make a clear choice and the decision was, I can never think about anyone sexually who comes to me for support. It is a boundary I am not willing to cross. I do not check out their body parts, I do not imagine them or think about them in any way when we are not speaking. I cannot and will not be labeled as a creep in recovery, because I need 12 Step recovery to live and to be able to live with myself. I have extended that philosophy to all the women I encounter, I am literally done checking out women strictly out of self-respect. We have a choice, it is possibly the only choice we ever have. Focus. What are we focusing on the most becomes our higher power. My focus is getting better at all costs, I am tired of hurting and I am tired of carrying the shame of my past. That is why I write, why I give away what I have learned in recovery. I cannot live with myself unless I am doing something selfless. I have been called and I am compelled to serve. May my words serve you well. Rev. Jeff Rounds for Mixed Recovery, Inc. An Omnist and Service Based Company