It's funny how the mind works...how one second by seeing a knife, i can think of death, and then the next moment, i am scrubbing my face, so I can take better care of my skin.
So bizare...to be in between these 2 extremes, which seem so perfectly normal and right.
For a while now, my mind has been entertaining thoughts about death...my death to be more precise.. It is not entirely new. Anxiety has made some weird scenarios in the past that make me think twice before crossing the street, walking down a flight of stairs or walk near buildings. These thoughts are not constant, but some come often enough for me to know that sometimes it's ok to not listen to them. But these were about things that might happen TO me not done BY me.
For a while now, my mind has reached a new level, one where thoughts aboout hurting myself don't just appear but are so vivid, so within reach, without them seeming weird. I still have an alarm system installed in my mind, so when these thoughts come by, a part of my brain says "this is not ok!". Sometimes I even get scared.
But what is fascinating to me right now is how easily it can switch between "normal thoughts" of everyday life - brushing my teeth, arranging my clothes, eating, watching tv, and these "not-so-normal thoughts", in just a blink of an eye. And the fact that the switch doesn't worry me, I could actually say it feels normal.
Recently in therapy i was told I am not used to feeling happiness or joy, allowing happyness to stay in my life and definitely don't feel comfortable with any of these emotions if they try to stay to long. Even feeling calm can seem weird to me.
At first, the thought seemed weird. I was puzzled and maybe a bit defensive. "I felt happyness before", i thought. "I've been looking for happiness all my life, this is what i am looking for". But then, after a few sessions, the thought sinked in and i can understand what my therapist meant. Yes, i get startled when things are good for too long (how long is too long? sometimes a matter of minutes, sometimes more. or even less. it depends), I sometimes sabotaged relationships, dreams and plans because fear and failure were much more familiar than joy and hope. In terms of relationships (actually the good one i had that i did sabotage), it was the fear of missing out that creeped in - "what if there is something better out there and i would settle for this guy?". 15 years later, i didn't find better, actually it all went downhill from there. Some would say I was wired for that, for looking for worse, for re-enacting my family's problems. Maybe I was.
Even so, looking at my family, I definitely didn't have a place to learn how to stay with calmness, love and joy.not even anger, frustration and sadness. It was a place of hiding in the tv, in other people's problems, in gossip and passive agressive behaviours.
There is no proper ending to this post..i tried making one up but it just seems fake, so i will leave it at that.
Just wanna say that I am not suicidal, I have had thoughts before but never acted upon it and most probably will not. And i am discussing all of this in therapy, so no need to panic.
I think this is why this post appeared, to share what is inside in a safe, empathic space, hoping to find people who understand the thought process, without going all "omg, what is wrong with you?".
Author
alexrina