Slowly Growing

I've mentioned a few times that there have been recent days where I am down. I suppose I had been feeling sorry for myself because of my personal relationships were a wreck due to my relapse. I had originally said "I'm leaving this up to God". Yet, in the back of my mind, I continually had to stop myself from saying things to manipulate situations to weasel my way back in the back door and not do the work necessary to rebuild trust. I had received good advise early on when struggling. When I'm in that situation, just sit and wait. Don't say anything, don't do anything. Just wait. I took that advise and applied it to this situation. It took 3 days, and lots of prayer and meditation and my mind has calmed down. I realize most things will not happen overnight. It was childish in some respect to think that they would be fixed that quickly. Somethings in my life were repaired instantly, according to God's will. And maybe the suddenly fixed is generally over. The areas in my life instantly fixed were emergencies and God took care of those. Ah all this is fragmented. I'm still dealing with a mind and emotions that stopped developing after my alcoholism took control of my life. I suppose that's my point. In addiction, and even after Rehab, I had stopped growing Spiritually and emotionally. My thinking was twisted, my perception was wrong on just about every front. So, when I'm troubled, annoyed, sad, depressed or just down, I have to take a second and third look at myself. Not try to fix anything, feel these things and grow spiritually. Sit and wait on God and his Grace and Mercy to bring me to a point where I can be helpful. Not pull the same old stuff where I get my instant gratification on "fixing it". God Bless B