The Bully – A Confession

It has been a number of days since my last post, like often, I am caught in a loop working on a specific collection of issues until I find resolve and inner peace. I have mentioned in a few meetings, it does not seem to be enough. I need a proper public confession so that everyone has an opportunity to know who they are speaking to when they connect with me. My story is disclosed in a general way, what I was like, what happened and what I am like now. I was a psychopath. I felt so hated I tried to take my own life at the age of five, I was a misfit in school who hung out with the worst people in my free time. As a child, I lived in fear of my family especially my father who beat me until the age of 16 when I stood up to him, then became a bully myself. As a beaten and disturbed child, I began committing felonies in elementary school and did not stop until I was arrested for Armed Robbery in my 20's, and then again for possession of cocaine with intent to deliver. I need to give my father a lot of credit, for putting his rage into me and for my mother filling me with judgment and resentments. After each arrest, I experienced a shift in consciousness following an emotional breakdown, crying and begging for mercy. The first time, I begged to keep me out of prison and vowed to stop committing violent crimes. The second arrest, I promised to stop taking narcotic and illegal substances. With each spiritual awakening, I become more myself and lost all the reasons I had to be maladaptive, along with the desire to behave that way again. In 2017, I feel I was doing very well, until something horrible happened in my home. My older sister who sexually abused me as a child, flirted with me in my home offering to massage my sciatic nerve. She will deny it, but it doesn't matter to me. When I felt triggered by her, I began digging around in the past and accidently undid hypno therapy I had received in my teens. I did not realize it, but I had gone my entire adult life with no memories of my childhood abuse, only a few things that mildly annoyed me and the rest I never thought about. Over the course of 10 nights the memories of my childhood slowly flowed back into my awareness leaving me emotionally crippled, manic and in shock. While horribly traumatized from remembering my childhood so suddenly, it took several years to unravel the mess of my life and the fact that my entire family had decided to block me from participating in the family estate. Without getting into the details, it was a deliberate act of revenge and spite. My father who had beaten me starting at the age of three, was butthurt and had a grudge that I did not coddle him while he died. He kept me from being involved and the whole family kept it a secret. For the second time in my life, my father brought out the bully in me and the criminal I put away in my 20's became a very big part of me once again. In addition, my sister who had molested me got away with everything, she took a complete free ride for 3 years at the expense of the family estate which sold for $200,000.00 less than what it is worth today. A great deal of that was earmarked for my children's college funds. I threatened everyone involved. Judges, attorneys, my siblings. I harassed everyone and no one in my family wants anything to do with me. My older sister is currently in hiding from me and I wish she was in prison for her part in plotting against me and for the sick narcissistic attack she took on me in my own home. I know, I am not a victim. I also know, I never saw any of this coming and my family who I always feared would abandon me, did abandon me. That is what happened, so what am I like now? I am addicted to recovery and intend on making it a paid occupation for the general public while continuing to do service work with the people I meet in 12 step groups. I know I have anger issues and character defects and this post is my confession and part of my recovery. I think it is best if my sister stays in hiding from me, so if you know her, tell her. However, I am willing to forgive what has happened and release myself from the sickness of anger. Please forgive me if I am ever unkind to you. I have been broken and beaten, everything triggers me in some way. My emotions are raw and exposed, I come to these places completely transparent and authentic. I am willing to let go of my bully, so that I can accept all the reasons I had to be that way. Thank you for your time, and bless you for your service. It helps me let go when I can finish complaining about the past. Rev. Jeff Rounds