one problem i find difficult for me, on the whole concept of Forgiveness. Is i do i really forgive? wholeheartedly, i would like to say i do. but sometimes, somethings or someone its more difficult to actually really let go out things. heres a prefect demontraction. my mother passed 2017, after i returned home from prison after a three yr sentence, to take care of my mother full time, for she was unable to live by herself, but my brother and sister, was quick to put her into a home, which thankfully my husband accept my request of not letting them, for the remaindering 9 months i left to serve. for two years, without the help of anyone except of my husbands, and note , we were even together anymore. as her ending got nearer, i became softer and weaker than id like to admit. watching her slowly fade away became too much, and slowy i began using again. well, well the time for her had came, but her final wishes to die home in her bed, not in a hospital. being too much for me, i couldnt harm myself anymore than i already have, we arranged for her final moments to be 3 blocks away at my borthers where her room was set, and prepared for her arrival. which i was never told when that time came about, for my bother and rest of my family, decided it was best for me not to be there, for what reason, rather for my better good, or they didnt just want me there cause i was using again. i was unaware of her beign three blocks away taken her final breathes, till she was alrready gone. no one has ever apologized, not explained why.. while my whole entire family got those last moments with her alive , me and my kids was left out. ive been around all of them many many times since, me and my kids has. cant say we hold resentments, but it wasnt a secret , for i was my mammas baby, the last of her 6 kids. i know without a shallow of doubt she was asking for me, and my kids, and the thought of what they mightve told her for reason why i wasnt there, eats me alive me till today. any suggestions?
Author
trucolors
1 Comment
Dear trucolors, thank you so much for sharing your heart in this writing. I too, have been through something similar, prevented from being with my loved one at the end due to the machinations of others. It has been a few years now since this occurred, and was just chided that “ I should have moved on by now “…It is a severe trauma; to be discounted, ignored, shunned, and lied to like this around the death of a loved one.It is cruel, and it is deliberately hurtful. Thank God, Who is with us and by our side through all of our traumatic life seasons. He alone has been gracious to me in my pain and suffering. I’m grateful for your reminder to continue to press in to the forgiveness necessary to live beyond hurtful seasons with folks. It’s a slow roll and one day at a time in program.