Ups and Downs

So, fourteen days after the relapse. It's been kind of a high being sober these past few weeks. Today, I woke up in a great mood. Then something happened. I had my coffee, did yoga (which is fabulous) read, prayed (maybe not earnestly enough?) and began my day. As the morning continued I kept feeling a dark cloud of sadness or heavy weight settling in. I went to a meeting and really couldn't share, didn't want to bring the room down. So, came home, walked the other dog, my dog passed away a week ago. Got dressed for working out and then watched an episode of Yellowstone. Still feeling down, I went and did my workout routine and really pushed it. I was thinking the entire time about what in the world is bringing me down. Maybe it's a type of winding down from all the emotion, work and changes I've been through these past few weeks. It seems like forever to me, mostly because I don't sleep much. Yet it is only 2 weeks. 10 months prior to that. Maybe it's the loss I've suffered from my relapse. The price was very high for those drinks. And they didn't even work. Maybe I haven't let go and let God as I say I have. My desire to fix things surpasses my conscience sometimes and I don't even realize I'm trying to fix things. I've also considered within addiction, even after rehabilitation, I haven't spent a lot of time feeling emotions. So maybe this is a natural progression of healing. Regardless, I'm still surrendering to God as I understand Him, committed to the program, finding a sponsor and working the steps. I just wanted to log this for today. Maybe someday there will be an answer.