What is Gaslighting?

One of my biggest traumas is the result of people screwing with my head when I was emotionally vulnerable. I become very sick quickly if I suspect anyone is judging me or trying to manipulate me in any way. People compulsively gaslight each other and the behavior is deeply embedded into their subconscious and so they are often unaware of when they are doing it. I do it, and I am fully aware of when and why I am doing it. Generally speaking, the only time I gaslight, is when there is something I cannot accept. Some of the signs of gaslighting include: - unsolicited advice - questioning your judgment - name calling - contradiction - shame - acting superior - refusing to relate - ignoring boundaries - direct insults - accusations - casting doubt - verbal insensitivity - lacking acceptance My first exposure to gaslighting came from my family of origin, mainly my mother. I know she loved me as much as she could, I also know that her mind was so polluted with negative thoughts that everything that came out of her mouth was toxic. It did not matter how much I accomplished, she had a way of finding something wrong with everything I said and did. The behavior had an impact on the entire family and as part of life, we would all routinely brag about ourselves and complain about what other people were doing wrong. I am hypersensitive to the behavior now. When I can tell that someone is ignoring my boundaries and putting their issues on me, I give them one warning and if they do not listen they disappear. I wanted to share some of the things I have learned to protect myself from being shamed or manipulated. Never address the issue directly, because that is what they want... a debate to prove they are right at all costs Understand that if someone is gaslighting you, they are already disrespecting you No one gaslights unless they have judged first Point out the behavior and watch for the response. Some people will apologize and stop, others will keep disrespecting you. When someone is looking to make a point, they have often already considered your side and they don't care If someone does not stop, making a point is more important than the relationship Be willing to end all conversations and all relationships if you feel attacked People who accept you, are not judging you, we cannot do both at the same time People who are chronic gaslighters are often excellent at remaining calm while abusing someone else When we respond poorly to an attack, our responses are often used against us Anyone who refuses to relate and respect your point of view, is a hostile force and is dangerous to your peace of mind Gaslighting often employs the use of Plausible Deniability, "I am not doing anything bad, I was doing this other thing that is good" People can justify a huge variety of abusive behaviors if they believe themselves to be Right. Chronic gaslighters are often charming and excellent liars Lack of emotional intelligence is the worst form of stupidity, it is a the root of all Denial People who are in denial are the last people anyone wants to listen to, they make complete sense, except for how much harm their beliefs cause. Humans are capable of justifying any and all atrocities when they want something As I have mentioned before. I do not have much respect for any of the science surrounding mental health, because science globally ignores Universal Truth with the cunning use of "facts". Facts are strictly opinions that are believable and possibly measurable, non material things are not measurable so science ignores them. Using "facts" in an argument is a control issue and I seriously do not care how much data someone supplies or how intelligent they are, there is no replacement for Acceptance aka Emotional Intelligence. In brief, if you are tempted to correct people, point out flaws, start debates, create issues where there was peace, your behaviors are toxic to others. Again, I admit that I do this myself, however I am slowly getting better. The only people I tend to gaslight are the people who want to use facts and science to argue a point. Logic is used as a justification to ignore how people feel and rationalize making a point to boost the abuser's Ego. I personally, make people pay for their abusive behaviors in one way or another. Here in the rooms, my sole purpose is to accept and relate to the other members, I am here doing service work and I hope I create much more peace in my life and the lives of others. Practicing radical acceptance, there is never a reason for me to point out another person's flaws. Thank you, bless you and best wishes. Rev. Jeff Rounds for Mixed Recovery, Inc.