Hi All, this is my first blog, or better to call it a journal. I am pretty new to mental health awareness. I am still new in finding the root of my problems, some say that I am codependent just because everyone's else happiness above mine. But my husband, been sober for 2 years told me that I don't have any codependency. Even if there is any, it's not severe. I am an overthinker, a very sensitive and soft soul. I am both introvert and extrovert, I am an Aquarius (for whatever it means). I cant rest my brain for every problem I am facing, it is compulsory if I need to get it fixed as soon as possible. The year 2020 2021 is obviously a worldwide problem, causing so much devastation in most human beings. Covid-19 almost kills everyone (literally), both mentally and physically. I am one of the people that has been affected, I let go of my job in the UK to follow my husband's dream to work abroad in Malaysia. Turn out, during the lockdown we were happened to enjoy our beautiful holiday in Myanmar. And since then we lost our apartment in Malaysia, all of our belongings are still there, his employer runs away and blocks any such communication with my husband, lost valuable belongings like a laptop, expensive perfumes (so far what we can find out) - a short story he is also losing his job. Our visa to work and live in Malaysia already been expired last year and still no chance of getting back our belongings from Malaysia. I realize every country has its own policy to "protect" their country and their citizen but however the events of losing a lot of things in Malaysia made me lost humanity. One good thing about there is that despite all of the devastating events, there is one genuine friend who is willing to keep our belongings despite either one of her friends is the one who stole my laptop and some expensive perfumes and face treatment. I am unable to move on from this so far. I let go of my long-term job from a previous company on 12 February 2019, then I worked for a while in the UK until 25 July 2019 and then some part-time job in Malaysia until February 2020. Since then I felt that my finances are getting red on my bank account since the pandemic starts. I manage to get another job as a personal assistant in illegal homeschooling, by saying this school is not having any documents and the owner is a narcissistic german lady. Two months working there, close my eyes to the red flags all over the place about her existence and as well her leadership (being a boss), talking and gossiping all of the staffs behind their back and at the end making the working environment felt more toxic. So far until this, I write this journal, I am already been at home for almost 3 weeks after a terrible motorbike accident. Got dislocated big toe that requires me to get some surgery with the pin planted in my big toe. I don't know at which point is my rock bottom, all the difficulties that I am facing right now, the struggling in life I am dealing with right now... like every single I sometimes praying to never be awakened anymore... but it seems like every day no matter how hard or ugly the battle is... I will always survive and go on to another level. Every day I am questioning myself how strong or what is my limit of being strong? What or where is my rock bottom?

Hello, I'm Vitta from Indonesia currently living in Bali. I am married this May 28th 2019 with a British young man (10 years younger than me). He is having alcohol problem and as well anxiety. He is basically a good heart man, but his sickness of alcohol and anxiety mostly forgotten what is his nature. But don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly though he had hurt me so deep. I am in a journey to fix myself, I am far from perfect and I am trying to fill myself before I am able to help my husband who is sick. I have slightly problems with my parents as well (sisters too), I grew up watching my parents kept fighting to small things or the big like when my dad caught kept cheating to my mom. High expectation came from my mom so I can be whatever she cannot be. I felt that i mislead to walk through this world. Therefore i am in the search to find a better me for myself so then i can be better for my environment.

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