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I’ve come to the conclusion that to be present on earth is about nothing more than healing for me.  I don’t understand the greater aspects of life and the Universe or why any of us are here. I was born a deep thinker and feeler and I’ve searched endlessly to find answers to it all. Life indeed is a mystery. From the day I was born, I’ve been healing from either physical, mental, or emotional trauma and my healing is personal. Your healing is personal. Perhaps you are here for a different reason and not to heal at all. Who knows.

I’ve never fought the fact or the act of healing. It’s something that is just inbuilt in me. I remember moments of intense sadness and worry even as a small child. I think I may have been born a little sad. Is the sadness karmic, brought from another lifetime? Was it transferred from the womb? Am I the cycle breaker and I carry the sadness of all my ancestors? I don’t have the answers to any of those questions. Acceptance is the beginning of unraveling these mysteries and I’ve accepted a long time ago that my search for peace and understanding in this human form is my purpose.

When I talk to people about my life they are sometimes shocked at the level and extent of trauma I’ve endured. Endless fixing, it seems, is my full-time job, yet it just feels normal to me. Of course, I struggle and get resentful at times. Others around me seem to float through life with little effort while I must work really hard for every little thing. Why? Again another mystery that I haven’t worked out.

Healing can be a lonely pursuit, yet I know I am not special or unique in my quest. I choose mostly solitude. Social situations make me deeply uncomfortable and I see general social situations as a waste of time. I do like to dance though and live music is one of my greatest joys. Day to day I am generally alone and I don’t really meet other people like me, because we are all isolated and all prefer solitude. I’m okay with all of that though.

My healing is personal, your healing is personal and while it may not seem like it to others, I believe we thrive within whatever mode of healing we choose. I am not sure what the outcome in this life will be for me or what my end goal is – do I even have one? One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.



  1. Idk how u manage to go dancing. Getting groceries is hard enough. I’m at the worst time in 63 years here. Suicide is becoming more favorable.

    • I like this story and can relate. Although I’m a loner 12 Step, District and Area service work has been a deep learning and rewarding experience that has nourished my whole sense of self. I get to take my mind off of me and heal at the same time.


    • I pray your last statement will change.and that when that thought arises, you seek help. You have tools available 988, a online or in-person meeting, call your sponsor, AA fellow or family/friend. Have a plan to help you overcome the thought(s) when they surface.

    • Kevin..I can understand how u feel. Although many years clean and sober the pandemic really ratchet up the misery on my OCD and kicked my depression into high gear. Each day has felt like a struggle for the last few years.

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