Well it's certainly not going to be easy to stay sober for the day when your mind is jammed with selfishness, self centeredness, and fear. As if once again you've crossed some line. One minute things are ok then the next? All is lost, you're going down and can't pull up.. You, them, the past failures only, the uncertain future, yup the whole world is watching you, the whole world is here, why? From where?. It's as if you are only co dependent but are wrong on every thought. People just move on without you as you struggle for control, hope for some validation? Some borrowed self esteem? No, nothing works. It's as if you're frozen in some self imposed impending doom and become invisible, nothing you think or do matters.. It's not how your life is going to fail again no, it's about when. Now? Right now? There seems to be absolutely no options that will remove this feeling of self destruction. Relying on yourself you are alone. On others? alone. The fear comes . Admitting defeat once again? Hopelessness? You go for a total shut down. Booze and drugs. Lots of booze and drugs. Soon it won't matter, soon my mind will be dead.
There's nothing to even manipulate, nothing to compare. There's the dense fog of the unknown that seems to apply to you. Only others have clarity. They're everything and you're not.. Do they know ho you are? They couldn't possibly understand your inner self. You feel terminally unique on the outside looking in. Change? No change.. This is forever.
Then in AA some call it self pity? They may as well punch you in the face.. No, I need love, someone to rub my belly and scratch me behind the ears? Tell me I'm a good boy? Frothy emotional appeal is what I want. A ticket tape parade each day. The whole unconditional love thing.
JUST ONE DRINKY WINKY
I drink. I drug. I overdose on whatever I am on today. I pass out and all is well but then? I wake up. I am again surprised there was no alcohol poisoning, no fentanyl surprise. Which by the way after a few drinks I didn't care anyway. Someone said nobody knows where the Heroin and Oxy's came from but hey, don't worry they had a Narcan spray in their glove compartment out in the driveway. . You can turn blue for a few minutes while I go and find it. You are reassured as they are convincing, friendly, and the opiates pull you in.. Never mind spending all the money you had on it. You're 25 drunk, high and broke. Mama would be proud.
So powerless? I guess so. Life un manageable when it comes to booze, drugs, any mind altering substance? Oh yeah.. Those freakin facts are in. Step 1. I'm powerless over alcohol - my life is unmanageable.. Like, I'm under bad management. Great...Now what?
It's only a few hours and the fear, the self centeredness will be coming back. What can I do to not drink today? Anything? Do I even try? I need money today. I need to deal with stuff today? Rent is due. Car is not registered, license ran out, skipped probation appt.. Everything's illegal. I don't want to even go outside and face any of it. Girlfriend dropped me, cops are watching me? I don't know what to believe in my racing head. How am I supposed to stay sober like this? I need to fix this stuff first then, I'll go to AA and get sober. Yeah.
PROBLEMS OTHER THAN ALCOHOL
My head, my crazy head. Drunk, drugs, or not, I can't seem to get it together? I wish I would just die. Get it over with. Put me out of my misery. Huh? What am I saying? Everyday my father tells me I'm a loser, a good for nothing. A failure to society. I'll never amount to anything. Everyday! The problem with that is he's been dead for years. I'm proving him right by bringing him with me everyday. The tunnel vision from my pedo uncle. The ex wife who didn't ever want me around. It's like one after the other? How do you shut it off without booze and drugs? Somebody tell me straight, somebody help me please. How can I escape? It's all tattooed in my head!
MEETINGS MEETINGS MEETINGS
AA meetings? Really? I don't see it but may give it a try. People? A morning meeting? Before the head movies begin? I mean ..I wake up in a perfect storm of yesterday tomorrow and today all converging on me at once. My ship sinks and I shut down my head to deal with my drowning.
So, I can go to a morning meeting at the community center at 7 am. 7 am? Isn't it still dark out? The Baptist Church has one at noon. I wondered why all the cars were there at noontime. There's a few at night. But which AA is the AA I need? I've found the online list. It was under "Alcoholics Anonymous" and my town , simple enough I guess. Like Major Tom exploring an alien planet but I'm on it, I'm trying. Wow, did I just say that? I'm trying? Ok so they got discussion meetings, open speaker meetings, 12 Steps and 12 Traditions meetings, Men, woman, young peoples, Big Book discussion meetings, Big Book 12 Step meetings, even some that suggest all addictions? Weird. Wouldn't that be All Addictions Anonymous? I have no idea.
I ask myself what's killing me right now? The booze and my head. Or my head and booze. Either or.
The morning AA meeting is a discussion meeting. I don't really want to discuss or talk and share as they say? I really don't know what I want really, I just don't want this life, todays reoccurring horror show. That.. I don't want. 12 Steps? Not sure. Big Book? What is that? I'm thinking "open speaker" meeting. Open? Anybody can come apparently. You don't even have to be an alcoholic or admit it anyway. You just show up. OK tonight at the All Christians Bible center at 7:30. Eh, that's like 10 hours away. I'll never make it. I want to drink now! I'm already beating myself over the head with you're an alcoholic you loser everyone was right about you "FAILURE". You're kids are going to be ashamed. Wait, I don't have kids. Man my head is a mess. Up for 3 hours and shaky with no booze.
Food sugar? TV. Colombo reruns? Perry Mason? I'm hanging on but making it to 7:30 tonight is highly doubtful. There's booze calling me every few minutes from the kitchen cabinet. Should I dump it down the drain? No way! I'm not dumping it, I can't I just can't do it. Big change of plans. I've got to try for the noon meeting in two hours. A shower, clean clothes so I don't look like an Alcoholic bum and head to the AA meeting..
May not risk driving with no legal papers but it's only a couple blocks away.. Normally I wouldn't seem to care but today? I just don't want to get caught driving illegally, it would only make things worse.. Wow that was rational! Was that a sober thought? Not sure.
THE THE THE MEETING WAS OK
It was weird walking to the meeting out in public as if people driving by figured I was walking because of a drunk driving. Like I think when I see an adult riding a bike. Weird. Are there others as whacked out as me? Maybe.
I got a seemingly customary handshake welcome at the bottom of the stairs by a greeter? AA greeter? then right for the donuts and coffee. Great. Now for a seat in the back row. A person stopped me or blocked me I wasn't sure but they were talking about themselves a mile minute.. Their day, their cat, their ex husband alimony changes.. I said I'm sorry but I just need to sit down. I wanted to say before I fall down but that would be too revealing. The first speaker seemed like they were there just for me. Some were fidgeting in their seats but I was glued to mine. Plus the weird thing was she was a woman and I was a man. How was this possible. The second speaker was trying to be too funny and I couldn't wait for it to be over. The third was pretty good. Said some things that would have embarrassed me for sure but he didn't seem to mind and a few people were nodding their heads as they listened as if they understood and it was ok to hear... Seemed like everyone knew him like he was important. I couldn't be sure. At the smoke break I stayed in my seat to make sure I wouldn't lose it.
ON MY WAY
The meeting was over, I couldn't see any clock but everyone stood up and held hands. I reached out my hand as if I was at a leper colony but did it. One person read something from the Blue Book and then one other said for those who care to join me in the Lords Prayer then began OUR FATHER as if everyone knew it.. Obviously I didn't fit but that didn't bother me really. There was no need to run. I even said goodbye to a couple of people making their way outside. Most were saying thanks great to see you to each other. I wasn't ready for that. I kind of liked it though really, it was a safe place anyway for someone like me. I mean to stop drinking I'd need to be there all day.
I walked home. Stopped at the convenience store for extra smokes I didn't need and a family size bag of BBQ chips. Large bottle of Ginger Ale. Home as I shut the door I felt safe again from the big world outside. Now what about the crazy world inside my head? It wasn't too bad .It was as if I was at least doing something positive although I couldn't quite pin point what besides going and sitting for an hour and a half with a room full of Alcoholics. Maybe that was enough? People were talking about the AA fellowship thing. Fellowship thing, what is a fellowship anyway?
4 HOURS TO LIFTOFF AGAIN
So back to the couch. The TV on sure but it was just stimulus really. Noise. The phone rang and I was overcome with fear! Bill collector? Family member? Would I have to explain myself? No it was the guy sitting next to me from the meeting. I remembered I switched phone numbers basically afraid to not do it, what would he think. Anyway he was on the machine saying he was at the coffee shop with some AA friends and if I wasn't doing anything maybe come down and have some laughs and fellowship. Laughs? I wasn't sure I could laugh it'd been so long since anything was funny. Fellowship, there it is again. People in AA were basically safe to hang with? Should I call back. His message weighed on me. 3 and a half hours to go and I'm going to the night AA meeting anyway? No need for too much AA in one day right. As I heard myself saying this I picked up the phone and called him back. Hi Jack this is Bobby, you just called. I'm the guy from the morning meeting. Do you remember? He laughed, of course I remember I just called you. That was kind of funny even though the joke was on me. I nervously laughed along. Where are you, what coffee shop? He said Friendlies down the street from the meeting, are you coming down? I said sure as if I was briming with confidence. They would never know what was really going on , how could they?
2 HOURS TO GO
I sat in the booth forever as if I'd known these crazy people my entire life. One guy said the thing about AA was there are no axes to grind or people to please here. Not really understanding what that meant but it sounded good to me, again safe. Turns out couple of them knew what was going on with me. The need to put the drink down for the day but no real idea how this was accomplished. I kind of trusted other things they said after learning this. Weird because I didn't trust anyone. I seemed to make friends? Who'd a thought. In one day I made a few friends, went to n AA meeting, had something to eat besides chips and soda. And there was no time for me to go home because these guys were driving straight to the meeting early to help set up the hall. It sounded like fun to me so I went along to the night meeting not even knowing where it was. It was different than the one I had planned to go to near my house. I wasn't even afraid.
WE'RE HERE DAY 1 STEP 1
Setting up chairs was kind of a chore. One guy who was there already seemed to be in charge. Like an official AA chair guy or person.. The chairs were a certain way and a certain way only. Within inches of each other. A few of us laughed at the whole control thing. He didn't care as if he was used to people poking fun at his precise chair methods. Oddly when they were done they looked great. A couple higher level AA's worked the kitchen and coffeepot. Tea? Really Tea? Who drinks tea? Then an assortment of dollar store cookies that didn't look too bad although they had been previously opened for what seemed like a while.
This my second meeting I sat with my new friends. I didn't say much but felt like I was equal to all of them. This was fellowship? A diverse group of people with one big common bond. We were staying away from the drink for one whole day. Something I could not even imagine even hours before was taking shape. Was I in AA now? Was this AA? One said I only needed a desire to stop drinking. Yes I had found my desire. It came hard and fast but it was here. It was after 9 pm and I was still sober. It had been a long while since I could say that.
They were all still together and dropped me off at my house. I was ok with them all knowing where I lived there was no threat. Normally if I took a ride I'd get dropped off down the street but not tonight. Tonight was good. it was even fun at times. I went to sleep in the bed. No need for the couch and tv on all night no, I was in bed. I thought to myself it would be ok to do this again. I thought about the morning meeting and drifted to sleep...
..Stepsherpa
Author
dmassi