my daily reflections…

just how delighted do ya think i was when those in the rooms started tryin to tell me that the shit i was goin through was my fault? they said if i wasnt such a selfish and self-centered son of a bitch i wouldnt be in the position i was in when i walked into the halfway house i was stayin at askin if i could move in. yeah, thats what they said! i couldnt believe my ears, me, lil ol me? as a matter of fact, the shit they were talkin i thought was rather galimatias, a mess of mumble jumble just so they could hear themselves talk down to me. today i understand what they meant. with much personal inventory ive found out they knew more about me than i knew about myself. and, back then, if i coulda been honest with myself, what they were sayin was true. it was a hard cold fact that i later had to come to terms with. since those early times of my recovery ive had to look at selfishness and self-centeredness many times. even as i wish i could have given it up to my HP and let Him have these insecurities, ive found i still live with em sometimes. i like to think im a humble guy, but those two character defects, and often times transformed shortcomins, are things within me that i have indoctrinated in my bein. greed and narcissism are parts of me that i still must work on. its gotten easier over the years of my recovery, but they sometimes still do exist within. today i get to see em when i do step 10 type stuff. and sometimes i even have to back up and do step 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9, type stuff on these two defects/shortcomins. when i truly rest in self-awareness, practicin mindfulness turns into havin compassion for myself. when anger or jealousy come up, i simply notice it. i feel it in my body and can decide to not act on it lettin selfishness take over. as ive become more compassionate, forgivin, and lovin with myself i get to experience more joy in my life. those early lessens of self, have helped me gain the humility i have today. ive learned different values and the spiritual principles given to me by my HP and recovery. i have hope that when i start feelin self-centeredness arise within, i can overcome it with self-love, surrender, humility, and acceptance. ive transformed into growth and new understandin. 1 day @ a time...