Finding every available excuse to keep using.
Shaky hands and clammy skin.
Hiding in your room.
Isolation.
Loneliness.
Depression, fear, anxiety, trauma.
Help.
Please.
I just want to tear my skin off my body.
I will do anything if you will just take me outside of myself for just one second.
Just one.
I’ll trade it all.
Cars, clothes, house, money. Whatever you want I’ll give you.
Still not enough?
Here.
Take my family, my children, my body, my self-respect, my motivation, my self-esteem, my life.
Still not enough?
But I don’t have anything left. What happened to the promise of sweet relief?
But I gave you everything.
And now I’m alone and vulnerable. You wanted me like this.
And now I’m miserable.
Can’t anyone see the girl that’s inside me screaming in agony?
Addiction is….
Realizing you’ve lied to yourself one more time.
Convincing yourself that you can manage it “this time”.
Stop showing up for work.
Lying to people you love.
Irritation, stress, anxiety.
ANXIETY.
Addiction is…
The worst kind of pain.
All I want to do is shut my head off.
I want to run away from myself but it’s the one person I can’t seem to get away from.
Addiction is…
Realizing you are no Better than the next addict.
That even if you got everything you wanted, that job, that car, that man/woman, it’s still going to find a way to perch itself on your shoulder and tell you that your still not whole.
Addiction is….
The belief that something outside of me can fix something inside of me.
More.
More of anything.
Just something to shut off this noise in my head.
I can’t be the only one who hears this. Someone else has got to be hearing this.
But there not.
Because addiction is…
Lonely.
1 Comment
Great passage! I loved it! Thank you!