my daily reflections…

when i came into the rooms i didnt know how i could turn it all over after i had always seemingly done it all myself before. boy, had i ever set myself up for a lesson in humility. i mean, wasnt it true that i had come into the rooms because i didnt have anyplace else to go? wasnt it true that i had lost everythin and everyone i had ever loved and had lost the love from everyone who had ever loved me? hadnt i concluded that everythin i had tried had failed? and wasnt all of this pain, misery, and desperation all cause of me? yet within, i had this feelin that if only i did this or that a lil different i could once again be somewhat successful? see how strong the delusion of my self-sufficiency or self-reliance was? even after bein rescued from a certain death i still wanted shit my way. as i sat in the rooms and listened, i heard others tell of the story of how they had made a beginnin on step 3. how by mere attrition they had done exactly as i had. though their stories had different situations and circumstances, the emotions and outcomes were just as my own. i reckon, just as this mornins readin says, by doin the action of movin into a halfway house, i had made a beginnin at step 3 myself. actively listenin to those who came into the rooms before me had me realizin the seriousness of the danger my will had placed me in. how just maybe, when my sponsor said i had always lived by a set of fucked up priorities, i needed to change the list and direction i had placed my future. it was finally time to try usin faith as a guide to livin a change unfamiliar to me. my sponsor suggested as a start that if the God problem i had was a block toward faith, i could decide to turn my will and life over to the care, protection, and guidance of this thing we do, recovery, until i could cultivate a relationship with a HP that wasnt me or alcohol. i wanted so desperately to be noble, honest, humble, patient, kind, acceptin, and respectful, like those in the rooms and my sponsor. i had to begin judgin myself by the questions i asked rather than the self-reliant, self-centered, and self-willed answers i always gave. i had to learn to trust more in the program and my HP. i had to trust in the essentials of recovery, willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness, as they became indispensable. simply put, i had to learn to turn it ALL over. 1 day @ a time...