my daily reflections…

if ya would have told me i would have been able to receive freedom and happiness by just tellin someone else my inner most secrets, ida called ya a bold-faced liar. how could i get happiness from tellin the rottenest shit about me? just how the fuck is that gonna bring me freedom? freedom from what mannn? im already free bitch! with that mentality i got to suffer, relentlessly. i reckon i truly didnt know how to let loose of the shit that held me down because if someone wouldve poured out their dirt to me, ida used it against em. so, with that attitude, i wasnt ever able to think i could be free or happy by layin my shit out there for the world to hear or see. and to use the word “painstakin” before i got into recovery, surely meant that i was doomed to a life of hell through everybody talkin about what they had found out, because it surely wouldnt be held in confidence. i got this to say, alcohol and my alcoholism had a way of whoopin me into submission more than anybody coulda ever struck my ego or pride. i learned how to be painstakin in a way that was healthy and beneficial. and it was difficult to do. i needed to use honesty, hope, faith, and courage to be able to tell another my shit storm story. to tell another my inner most secrets and how i felt they had shaped my life. i can also share this with ya, i didnt know if what i was to say was gonna leave that room that sunday mornin, but the torture i had realized i had put myself through from writin my personal inventory, was strong enough a catalyst to let the shit go. i didnt want to feel like that anymore. i had to trust. i had to go for it, all or nothin. if my sponsor had shared with others what i told his ass, id probably be dead today cause ida went right back to drinkin. he didnt though. he kept it to himself and today i know freedom and a new happiness. today i get to be me, i get to be who God made me and live with the judgement of others. good or bad. im ok with me cause my sponsor lived his program so i could live mine. today its my responsibility to do just as my sponsor did for me with people i may get blessed to help. 1 day @ a time...