my daily reflections…

it seemed to me that my ability to use faith and have more trust in my HP grew after the tell of my 4th step inventory to my sponsor. for sure the 2nd, and then the 3rd step, was where i familiarized myself with hope and faith, but it felt like my concept of my HP and my willingness to rely upon Him and His intuitive sense within became stronger after step 5. the concept of lettin go and lettin God became an understandin, that when i could no longer manage the self-induced torment within from tryina figure shit out, as it became too much, lettin go of it, turnin what ev it was over to my HP, was easier to do. i began to understand how givin my problems, or troubles to God, could free me from the fears i had. i didnt have to place blame on others for the shit i unconsciously gave away while doin my dirt, anymore. i felt i didnt have to try to make others understand what made me tick and live. i didnt have to try to push my shit off on another or try to hide, anymore. after all, hadnt i told my deepest darkest secrets? hadnt i allowed another to know exactly who and what i had become? it occurred to me that givin it all away, made it easier for me to live in faith and trust in my HP. peace of mind, as scary as it felt at 1st, became a norm, and i didnt have to use alcohol to find it. the things i had always demanded in the past and could never get, became things that no longer interested me. and i didnt have to ask for things that i thought would bring me peace because they appeared when i quieted my mind. ive found since those early days of recovery, when ive been able to achieve a relaxed physical state, i can then relax my mind, and a relaxed mind is the ground from which clarity springs. i get to live the want to have some joy and to contribute to the world. i get to be grateful that my heart and soul quietly burns brightly. ive found what i really want. i get to live the paradox of hopelessness, hope. i get to live the paradox of spiritual disruption, a spiritual experience. i get to live the paradox of time of testin, trustin my HP for the outcome. its possible today because of a vital willingness to seek humility. 1 day @ a time...