It never struck me that there’s a difference between kindness and people pleasing. Not until I spoke at length to my therapist a few years ago about how exhausting being kind is. She pointed out to me that the exhaustion I was feeling was not due to kindness, but to co-dependency. I didn’t know I was people pleasing. I just thought I was super compassionate and hated to see people suffer. She said I was acting on my trauma responses in a multitude of ways that are bound tightly together. While some of my actions were due to my kind nature, other actions were due to hypervigilance and preventing a catastrophic outcome.
I Still Struggle
Oh boy do I struggle. Every day still. It’s the one part of my recovery that I have yet to conquer. I’m better with strangers these days, but horrendous with my own family. Doing for others is so inbuilt in my personality that I just can’t shake it. And my therapist is right. I’m used to living in chaos and crisis since childhood. I can predict an outcome almost expertly and if that outcome is disaster then I’ll do my best to avoid it. It’s easy to let strangers receive their consequences. However, when it’s your own children or people you love it’s a different story. Yes I agree that they have to have consequences to learn life lessons, but sometimes those consequences are left up to parents to clean up. It sounds selfish, but being brutally honest, I do not have the capacity to deal with more chaos created by the people close to me. It’s easier to prevent than to fix.
What Does Kindness Versus People Pleasing Look Like?
My therapist gave me some examples regarding my behaviour that resemble kindness but are definitely co-dependence. Of course I hated every single thing she said but was willing to sit and listen – and argue! She began with:
Saying No when I’m at my limit -v- Saying Yes, then feeling exhausted and resentful after.
This is me on a continuous basis. My argument to my therapist was – “well who’s going to do it if I don’t?” Her answer was, “Somebody else.”
“Letting another person know they have hurt me -v- Keeping my feelings quiet out of shame or fear.
I’m horrendous at this. Me expressing my feelings has been shot down my whole life. They’ve been minimized and I’ve been called crazy. I still have a deep belief that I’m only important when I have something to give to others. As a result, I often feel separated and lonely. I’m not sure if I will ever overcome that belief but I’m trying.
Standing up for myself -v- Denying my own truth.
Now this I am good at. For some reason my tolerance for bullying and injustice is zero. You definitely won’t coerce me or force me into something. And god help anyone who crosses my children. I guess I’m not a total failure.
Progress not perfection
And of course this is true. The acceptance that I will never be perfect and I may never overcome some of my people pleasing ways. I understand where this part of me comes from. It’s because of a multitude of things, mostly cultural conditioning and trauma. I am indeed a work in progress.
4 Comments
Thanks for writing this. I have a friend who is much like this. She says she’s an empath. I think it’s her stretching herself out trying to please people. I wonder if sharing this with her would hurt her feelings.
Thanks so much for your comment. It is my experience that being empathic comes from hyper vigilance and a need for approval. We definitely all have the ability to feel energy, but when that ability gets out of control, a lot of the time, it is because of past trauma and hypervigilance.
Thank you for writing this I so relate and to ghe comments! Although three years you posted I hope you knos peoplecare still finding it. I have had opportunity to observe this in myself. And by opportunity I mean done the work tenfold, the grief, and real trauma work. I HAVE felt momemts of shame , anyone else re:the massive growth stunt the ‘everything else ‘ derailed in my recovrry and life. My codependency had some ego in it.
If I get sucked into a negative environment the intervals are shorter nowbc I still work a program. My insight and self awareness has become clearer and my tolerance for bullying and abuse is finally zero too.
Finally closer to the OUTRAGE I feel if it was happening to anyone other than ME. ALWAYS a defender never of myself…what was that about.. my ACE score of 8..
God do I cringe now immediately I no longer have delayed reactions. This is helping me not to give up in life on life terms areas like job searching and the long periods of doing the footwork and tollbox dependence are seemingly endless.
Loving ourselves..why does it take so effing long?
Rebecca, I really hear you on this, thank you for being so open. I can relate so much to what you shared about shame and the feeling of a “growth stunt.” In my own recovery, I’ve faced those same moments where I realized how much was derailed and how hard it was to even begin reclaiming myself. Like you, my codependency kept me putting everyone else first and left me wondering why I couldn’t extend the same defense or compassion to myself.
Working through grief and trauma has been messy, painful, and slow for me too—but over time, I’ve noticed the same shift you mentioned: quicker awareness, less tolerance for toxic patterns, and finally being able to say “no more.” It took me a long time to believe that loving myself wasn’t selfish, just necessary.
I still stumble with patience when it comes to “long haul” work of building a life, but knowing I’m not alone in those struggles makes it easier not to give up. Thank you for reminding me that the journey itself—the painful parts and the progress—is proof that we’re doing the work. ❤️