my daily reflections…

i needed to try to keep my 8th step as simple, yet as thorough, as i could. i couldnt try to keep someone off it that i had written down in my 4th step inventory. my sponsor had warned me of makin a list so large it would become too overwhelmin for me to comprehend. when i had written my original 4th step inventory i listed the things i had done, and the people i felt had caused me to react to them the way i did. surely the many character defects and shortcomins named within the big book became evident to me as i processed through my 5th step with my sponsor. as hard as it was to digest what i had learned about myself so early in my recovery, it was now time to take what i had learned to the next step by listin those people, castin em in a light of victim, instead of me bein the victim. the growth i had experienced through each of the steps to that point and practice of the process of step 6s willingness and step 7s humility, had broken my ego and pride enough to see how my behavior and thinkin had me changin from victim to victimizer. i was able to redouble my efforts to expound upon the harms i had done, and whom i harmed. just as my sponsor had professed, by doin this simple task, i began to feel how the anger, loneliness, guilt, fear, and self-loathin, which still lingered within, was bein carried away. it was a part of what i define still today, as part of the spiritual experience i had started when i came into the rooms. how i could clarify the actions i had done to others in terms that had me wantin to let accountability become a part of my life. how i could begin to understand how i had not only victimized others, but how i had victimized myself. how i had the troubles with relationships i had, like it says on page 52. how i let myself act toward others because of my lack of emotional control. how i would allow myself to fall prey to misery and depression then blame everybody else around me for it. how i allowed self-centered fear, self-delusion, self-seekin, and self-pity drive their evil and corrodin threads into the ones i had loved the most, with the spears of words and behaviors i would push onto them. what a list mannn. yeah, i redoubled my efforts all right. it was either that, or stop doin this shit, livin on to the bitter end. i reckon aint anybody else but myself and those i continue to make amends to, gotta believe the words i so solemnly write, but i can say this, diggin that deep, gainin understandin, is why im still sober and livin recovery today. sharin my story, helps me stay sober & in recovery. 1 day @ a time...