my daily reflections…

in this step, i learned how to remove myself from playin the victim role. and yes, it had the effect of diggin into my skin with a dull knife point to reach the deeply penetrated ground glass of emotion i didnt ever want to feel. my initial personal moral inventory revealed a lot about how i allowed myself to victimize myself usin alcohol to hide the pain i felt within when i did. as hard as i tried to hide these things, it only seemed to make em worse. i craved for others to think of me differently on the outside than i felt on the inside. i couldnt let em see who i truly was. this want to hide had me doin all kinds of stupid shit that showed others exactly the person i tried to not let em know about. even as i felt like i deserved different and better, i allowed alcohol to help me hide my inner self, so i thought. those character defects and shortcomins were clearly visible even as i thought they werent. as i pridefully tried to hide, the guilt i felt within would drive me toward my next drink. as i tried to point my finger at others so i could blame them openly and without regard, guilt would bind me up later as i couldnt believe i had done what i had done. and wouldnt ya know, alcohol was there to help me hide the realities around me, and myself. its why my moral personal inventory was so important in my recovery journey. it allowed me to see how i had behaved. and step 8, allowed me to see how i had used the shit i had found out, to harm others. step 4, 5, 6, & 7, were essential in me bein able to see how i was able to come to believe that i was the one who harmed others. even as those in the days of doin my dirt, seemingly retaliated, they only did it to protect themselves from me. and diggin these facts out of me, turnin the tables of my delusional, false reality, couldnt have been done without the help of trusted friends in recovery, my sponsor, and my HP. i still may be imperfect today, but at least, in short time, i can be the real me. i still take personal inventory today, and i still do it with a red pen, but ive found, i use a black pen more. i get to live with some power and manageability today. 1 day @ a time...