my daily reflections…

"i will never forget the loneliness and despair i found in that bitter morass of self-pity," these words from the big book speak volumes. i remember how that felt, how much i hated myself, how much i just wanted to die. how fear, in every stretch imaginable, had me held tight as one of its denizens. the book also references how, no words can truly express that feelin, and how true was this fer me. i feel like only someone who has been thru the latter depths of alcoholism understands. i am grateful today i no longer have to live that way. today, courage has taught me i can love myself so i can love others. one of the first few people on my initial 4th step inventory list, was me. i loathed myself, hated me fer all the things i had done to the people i had loved the most and who loved me the most. i had hurt em, my family, very badly and i could hardly look at myself in the mirror, or hardly bear to be in my own skin. i had done things to em out of pure selfishness. always tryin to get my way and have things turn out the way i wanted em to. as the readin suggests it was by either dominatin em, or relyin too much on em with unreasonable expectations. with all of this, when i came into this thing we do, it took a good couple of years before i could forgive myself, and then love myself. even though i had learned that it was my disease of alcoholism that was the root cause of any dysfunction in my life, i knew when it was all boiled down, i was the one who caused harm, which was a bitter piece of humble pie to digest. crow, in my early recovery, wasnt my fare, yet a necessary understandin for me to learn how to grow within. utilizin the spiritual principles of this thing we do i was finally able to ask my HP to take these feelins away from me after surrenderin and acceptin em, so i could press forward toward inner growth. today i still need to rely upon my HP and this fellowship to get past feelins that crop up. 1 day @ a time…