my daily reflections…

when i came into the rooms this last time, i was beaten and broken from self-imposed crisis. i wanted change, even though i wondered if it would work. left crippled by my outrageous ego and false sense of pride, i could not see what awaited me, the harbinger of recovery was loomin and becomin willin to believe in a power greater than myself was my only option. all i wanted when i came in was to drink like everybody without sufferin the consequences my alcoholism always brought. but i had to let go, and it was hard to do. i began to realize that i could no longer burn through my efforts to outsmart or overthink how to drink anymore. even with a short time in the rooms, dont even try to think i didnt think i couldnt go back out there doin my dirt after i learned the key to successful drinkin, cause i sho nuff did. but with that lil bit of willingness somethin within began to grow. i couldnt explain then, and cant now, but i can speak to my experience as my unhealthy childlike thoughts poured through my brain. i couldnt escape my alcoholism any longer. the real self-respect, honesty, and humility i was bein shown by those who came in before and were actually doin the deal, showed me somethin much better and more satisfactory than drinkin. the faith they had in their HPs gave me hope that i could have what they had. they were showin me that i needed to associate myself with the need to question, take some healthy risks, and be outrageous. that i could still play and laugh at myself and own my craziness. that i didnt need to be perfect. it was like the childlike behavior i mentioned earlier, but only based on reality and the wonder of what a healthy, balanced, life in recovery could be like for me. i got to learn about my lifes direction through my dreams of where to go and what to do so sobriety, combined with recovery, could happen without a drink. i learned that i could use my imagination to be happy and brave. that imaginin myself as a failure, as i had so much in the past was unhealthy, and just as powerful as imaginin success. i had to learn to respect the power of my imagination and use it to form good images of my future. if i was willin to do that, why couldnt i believe in a power greater than myself? today, my hope is the continued maintenance and growth of my spiritual experience. i cannot shut myself off from the sunlight of the spirit. i have to live forgiveness, because when i do, i continue to unlock the prison of resentments and unwillingness, so i can be free. 1 day @ a time...