my daily reflections…

i can remember the loneliness i felt durin the last days of doin my dirt. i can remember thinkin and wonderin how anybody could love me. low self-esteem leads directly to self-pity. i think of those times today and am of the understandin that when i couldnt see anything good about myself, how could anybody else. and when the times came when i felt i needed love from others i would demand it from them or be a suck ass. neither of which ever produced the fruit i was cravin within. with very unhealthy motives and self-seekin desires, i would harm others unintentionally so i could feel some kind of self-worth. and none of these actions or behaviors ever lead to any kind of healthy thinkin. i would hate myself into a drink and then, only then, when drunk enough to start believin my own lies, i lived them without regard to others or myself. the next day would bring the realization of the shit i had done the day before, and the hate for self would rise to the top of the well within. recovery taught me how to find my strongest and weakest characters and learn how i could use them to make myself better. as i worked my personal inventory the realizations of things i had pushed so far deep within that they couldnt get air, came to the surface. i had to face these emotions and learn how to learn from the situations that caused them in balanced and healthy ways. i needed to find a good spiritual foundation for this; recovery showed me how to build a relationship with my HP. with Him and the fellowship of recovery, i used what recovery was teachin me to learn to love me, even the gross shit that i didnt ever want to deal with again. i was able to see both sides of my character. i learned how to bend when i may have needed to have been strong and i learned how to be strong when i needed to bend. i am still learnin today how to use these characters to better me, both the good ones and the bad ones. ive learned that i cant fix somethin if i dont know whats wrong. this personal inventory of step 4 helped me learn to love others, so i could learn to accept love, and love myself. i aint gotta hide myself anymore; i will continue to be open with myself and others. thats self-love. 1 day @ a time...