my daily reflections…

i remember the knot i had tied myself up in when i first came into the rooms. i reckon the reason i can recall it vividly is because i can still tie myself up like that, though nearly not as bad, but i can tell when ive let go and let joel. it took some time to get me off my back in the days of my early recovery. idk if it happened in a year and a half, or within 3 years of comin into the rooms, but i do remember after the chillin vapor finally began to subside, i could feel moments of peace within. and it felt good! and it wasnt because i had drank a 5th of whiskey or smoked a quarter pound joint. i began to realize as i sat angry some days, with moments of brief peace, that it wasnt me that was makin it happen. maybe it was that i had stopped throwin big chunks of my soul into the fire, maybe it was because i had stopped creatin the shitstorm of chaos that always surrounded me, or maybe it was because i had finally began to listen to those in the rooms and do what they were doin. today i believe it was the shit i was doin. i was committin to behaviors that had a calmin effect on my mind, changin my thinkin. and to be even more candid, i also realize that i had begun buildin a relationship with my HP, which meant that little by little, the small chunks of hope and faith i was throwin out were bein returned with favor toward me. i realize today, it was me lettin go and lettin God. i still have to do it today, even with many years in recovery. just this week i made a drastic life changin commitment and moved 850 miles away from what had become my home. im scared, but im excited. i know if i continue to let go and let God, not let go and let joel, i will be fine. i know if i continue to practice what recovery says to, i will be ok. how many times since my recovery began have i found myself not knowin only to come out on the other side ok because i did what recovery said to? the glorious release is just that, a glorious release when i let go and use the hope and faith recovery and those who have come before me have taught me to. when i regularly go to school in things of the spirit, i get to grow spiritually by practicin em. experience in recovery has grown knowledge, which has given me wisdom. ty Lord fer thinkin bout me, im alive n doin fine. 1 day @ a time...