my daily reflections…

recovery has taught me what true love is. over my time in recovery, i have learned that though the love i used to feel may have been real, it was misplaced and often hollow. and believe it so that i would allow my self-centered fears to dictate how i used love. i could use it as a weapon or use it as an accessory for manipulation and false adoration. if there was any love involved, it was self-absorbed to fulfill what ev empty spot within i needed to fill. it was how i felt it had been dealt to me. i could never see the good side of love because i felt there was always somethin someone wanted from me. love equaled fear within me. i didnt know how to use it as the opposite of fear. both had always seemed so undetermined and unappreciated. love always seemed to mean suspicion and fear always seemed to mean contentment. how i crossed them to mean the opposite of their true meanin i understand today is the way i nurtured each to suit my own end. it was my soul-sickness that had me so confused. today i get to use love as its meant. i get to receive it and give it as its meant. i dont have to let my disease of alcoholism dictate the meanin of either, because i understand how to effectively use each, dealin with each in an appropriate manner. my issues with abandonment, trust, or false self-love have been dealt with through steps 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, & 9. today i get to use love with healthy intentions that are proportionate to the fears i may have. i aint gotta live the steps in reverse as my alcoholism would have me do. i get to live life in its proper order, givin to receive, not demandin to receive. i get to find confirmation of my life in the good things that have come into my life, love is strengthened every day, so i have the chance to overcome fear. i can embrace each emotion knowin i have solutions for each that dont equal unhealthy, unbalanced, insanity. i can give myself permission to experience both love and fear. i aint gotta complain and accuse others for my pain, i can own it and move forward with life. i aint gotta be left in a dump full of worn-out guilt and remorse. its been my experience that the task ahead of me is never as great as the power behind love or fear. each are healthy, positive motivators for me. when I practice usin love, fear, just as a thankful & grateful heart to conceit leads to outgoin love, hasnt a chance to dwell within. 1 day @ a time...