my daily reflections…

recovery taught me how to live with a comfort in my own skin. i had to really look at who and what i had become without the crutch of my best friend, alcohol. even as i had always thought i was a friend to myself, my best friend, alcohol, proved me wrong time and time again. i learned through the process of steps 1, 2, 3, and 4, just how and why i had let alcohol become the friend i had. it fed my ego, false sense of pride, and every negative emotion or character i had within. i allowed alcohol to create a monstrous alcoholic which only groomed my alcoholism. and from all of the low self-esteem, self-centered fear, and emotional humility problems, i was driven to anger, and later, loneliness. i couldnt love anyone because i couldnt love myself healthily. even with a lovin nuclear family and people around who truly cared for me, i couldnt open myself to their love because i didnt feel worthy. when i sought emotional security, i felt abandoned and left to fend for myself. with all of the emotional insecurity within i began to demand peoples attention which only seemed to drive them further away. if i didnt get my way, i foh sho nuff showed my ass through behavior or words that made me feel justified for the way i felt within. lookin at the shit within, with my sponsors help, and a newly formed relationship with my HP, i began the process of self-healin through self-forgiveness, which allowed me the ability to learn to love myself. i needed to learn how to surrender, accept, and tolerate the character defects and shortcomins i had nurtured all my life. i had to understand the healin that learnin to love these flaws could help me use them for the catalyst to become a new person, learnin to love me for me. as i learned to become centered in God more than in self, turnin my will away for His, i started to try to do His will rather than mine. i learned how to use a co-creative spirituality that taught me how love could help me grow. i learned how to take care of myself emotionally so i could live the change of recovery within, psychologically, behaviorally, and spiritually. with honesty, hope, and faith ive gained the courage to pray until somethin happens. demands, upon others and myself, became offerins of love. 1 day @ a time...