my daily reflections…

i reckon the latter days of my drinkin had driven me into such a desperation for change i had to do somethin about it. as moments of clarity flooded my conscious my will to continue to drink had galvanized me into a total state of hopelessness and clarity of the self-abuse i had been administerin. as i sat demoralized and beyond recall of a life i had wanted so badly, the monomania of my alcoholism left me. it was a split second of lettin go, a need to find a way to make some kind of recompense for the life i had created or go onto the bitter end. on that park bench that day, i admitted a self-defeat which brought about a new dimension for my life. as stated, it was a brief moment of clarity, one for which i have no explanation for today. even as i fought my self-will in the early days and months of my sobriety, i was learnin about the ways alcohol had caused me to become the alcoholic i had become. not knowin the outcome of what would happen if i continued to learn more or if recovery would even work for me, i endeavored to persevere. as i pressed forward against a will within that kept tryin to pull me out of the halfway house i was livin in, i watched and listened as others taught me more about myself through their action and words. it was how i was able to gain an admittance of complete defeat and work harder at overcomin the alcoholism that kept tellin me i was worthless and needed to go onto the bitter end. there was a freedom i could feel which kept me returnin to my bed, gettin up and doin my daily chores at the house, and diggin deeper into the steps my sponsor was sharin with me. i could see Gods blessin to me as others left the house and went to prison or died. i could also see His blessin to me in those that had harmony, beauty, joy, and happiness in their lives. i was able to pay attention to the plank in my eye and stop seein the speck of sawdust in anothers. i was able to focus on me, instead of what everybody else was doin. i could feel the new dimension of my life as i did whatever i could do, or dream of recovery, and begin it. boldness to face me was genius and power; it had a magic in it i could not explain away. i learned i could not mend if i bent the truth, i had to remain honest, open-minded, and willin. 1 day @ a time...