my daily reflections…

there are things ive felt ive had to hang on to in my recovery, even after doin an inventory on em. whether im wantin to try to rethink my past or misdeeds into a different reality or mold them into somethin that didnt happen, i hang onto em tryin to control the outcome that will NEVER change. its pure insanity that takes over. the only way for me to truly get over em is to surrender, accept, and tolerate the circumstance. tryin to outthink, overthink, or change what has already happened does me no good. even if i keep em, tryin to gain a dif understandin, its me tryin to manipulate or control somethin that will NEVER change. it is like i still fear the thing that happened, even as there is still nothin to fear about it; somethin still lingers within makin me think i can maneuver it to overcome it. i forget that my HP is available for my use. its been my experience that when i let it go, over, and over again, lil bits get left with my HP and eventually its gone. its like i discover what ive already been taught, joel, there aint shit ya can do about it, but surrender, accept it, and move forward learnin from it! like this mornins readin says, i just gotta try mannn. i gotta be willin to allow my HP to show me how He works within me. and many times, i must be willin to do what the serenity prayers says. i must be willin to bring all my problems to Him for help in meetin them. i must KNOW of God as supplyin my needs. when the times come that keep me tossed, its me, not Him, that keeps me with the insanity of my alcoholism. His will doesnt allow for that, mine does. i must use the courage ive learned to discover the courage to change the things i can, me. i must stop sabotagin myself, so my pretense to remain fixed and rigid doesnt keep me from bein responsible for my life, tryin to control my past or anothers perception of it. im still convalescin and learnin to relax in the acceptance of my disease. wisdom never kicks at the iron walls it cant bring down, why should i continue? my lessons are not easy. but they will ease my way if im willin to learn from em. when i just try, the basic solution of acceptance and belief, shit changes when i dont always do what ive always done, so i dont get what ive always gotten. 1 day @ a time...