my daily reflections…

havin experienced the direction i was headed before my recovery, and experienced the direction since my recovery began, i can most def see the directional differences. i can recall not likin the person i had become in the final days of doin my dirt. i remember the feelins i felt, and place i was emotionally, psychologically, and behaviorally. i remember the lack of power, unmanageability, and hopelessness. i remember the delusional wish for it all to end and not carin if it would end violently or peacefully. the lack of personal care i had, bled into every emotion and behavior i would have or do. the inability to maintain any kind of relationship, whether with self or another, my inept aptitude to control how i felt at any given moment, my acceptance of misery and depression, the uselessness, fear, and unhappiness, didnt all just happen at once; it took time to develop. it was so subtle! and then one day, i fuckin sensed it all. i have NOT forgotten any of this. i can say this, at the time, if it wasnt for alcohol, i would never have been able to manage it or oversee it. bein new to the rooms, and without alcohol to squash all those feelins, i was a fuckin mess mannn. i irritably, restlessly, and discontentedly, sat, watched, and listened, to those who had come into the rooms before me, talk of how the promises in each step of the big book were, or had, come true for them. i wanted what they had so desperately. they were tellin of a new direction, one that seemed so difficult and unreachable. but they kept tellin me, be patient, work the steps, they will come. today, so many days away from my early days of recovery, im able to have carin relationships with myself and others. i have a capacity to intelligently manage my emotions. misery or depression may still come to me, but i have a solution to overcome them. i get to be useful to others and myself. i have palatable solutions for my self-centered fears. im happy, joyous, and free. and it, just as the days of doin my dirt, didnt all come at once, my new direction came subtly with patience & vigilant self-care & work. within my wonderful new world, ive humbly found freedom from my fatal obsession. 1 day @ a time...