my daily reflections…

recovery has taught me, then shown me, the areas in my character where ive been selfish, dishonest, self-seekin, and racked full of fear. it was a hard look at self, behaviors, and thinkin, i used to defend and protect my alcoholism; my “self.” i didnt want to have to admit i had done things to others that harmed them in an effort to hide behind my ego or pride. in the days of doin my dirt it seemed natural to behave the way i did. but in recovery, after years of feelin the guilt shame, and remorse, knowin i did what id done, and seein it right the fuck there in front of me in black and white, i felt a deep sense within to finally deal with my mistakes. i mean, id come to this point in my recovery through hard ass fuckin work, i had practiced each spiritual principle as best as i could at the time, and if i wanted to continue to heal, i had no other viable option than to continue to press forward. i guess there was one more option, but it wasnt in the room i was sittin in. it was just outside the door, it meant more emotional, psychological, behavioral, and spiritual harm to self and others. i had to think about why i came into the rooms, what i had left behind when i did, and i didnt want to feel like that or live that way again. that pain, that sufferin, hate, loneliness, and anger, just didnt appeal to me. so, how had i become so selfish, and how had i used it to harm others. selfishness made me fight more, it made me people please, it killed my joy, it set unrealistic expectations, and rejected gettin better. dishonest behavior led to damage and more damage downstream; the first transgressions were a catalyst to dehumanize others and perform even more dishonest acts. as i became more dishonest, i became less socially attuned, wrapped totally in self. it drained me to drain others, and i couldnt see it. self-seekin behaviors became a conscious and unconscious attempt to become the center of attention. this took away the validation and right for others to be who they were posed to be. as i honed my self-seekin efforts, jealousy, low self-esteem, and loneliness, stole peoples lives away from them. and fear, gawd did i ever write pages on this. ego and pride kept me from bein vulnerable. how could i let another in? my behaviors seemed to protect who i was within. how dare another really tell me who i was, you dont know me bitch! these were just a few of the things recoverys 8th step showed me. it put me in a frame of reference i could grow from to be better. because of this process i can allow another to see, and know, who joel is today. im human. 1 day @ a time...