Telling Your Story Using Empowering Language: from "I was neglected" to "s/he was neglectful".

I always found it hard to talk about my childhood because I recognized that I sounded like a victim. It felt disempowering and seemed to cause revulsion in people. I used to say things like, "I was neglected and it's the reason I'm like this." I was gifted a new perspective from a dear friend today that helped me make the simple mental switch out of victim language to: My parents were neglectful emotionally to themselves and their children. And I became expert at doing that to myself too. Instead of attending to my feelings and needs, I chose to focus my attention on others. I became a fantastic space holder as a result. I fantasized that if I gave the love & attention that wasn't given to me, I'd earn it in return. It didn't work that way. I ended up abandoning myself and it left me feeling drained and resentful. Holding space also served as a convenient way to protect my vulnerability and hide. I got some of my connection needs made but didn't have to go through the excruciating discomfort of being truly seen when I wasn't ready for that. As a space holder, I felt useful and got lots of appreciation for being the ear for other people's self-discoveries and helping them through their dramas. I eventually grew tired of feeling lonely and unseen. I longed to be heard, known and validated myself - the very things I gave so freely to others, I wanted from others. But I often picked the wrong people who were more interested in taking attention than giving it. This was the lesson - since no one was apparently going to fill that need of attention for me, I begrudgingly saw that I had to finally do this for myself. With a tonne of resentment in my heart, I began attending to my inner world - discovering I had the capacity after all - that I could apply my expert space holding ability to me with the simple intention to do so. It's a process that doesn't come easily and I find myself only doing it in brief spurts. I do better with the support of a skilled therapist or listener - someone who sees me, validates me and helps me feel into my body. Without that I often give in to frustration. I think my friend Teri would call this a need for processing. She's right. While I grew up feeling left to my own devices - to figure out life, guide and emotionally raise myself - I finally got that I do need the help and support of others. That while I became, out of necessity, a great internal processor, sometimes it just plain feels good to do it with someone else. I'm finally getting my needs met - not fully - but it's starting. For this to occur, it means I have to prioritize my needs, reach out for support when my logic says I don't need that, and allow myself to be seen. Maybe I can start a new 12 step program for recovering space holding martyrs 🤣.