When you stop chasing all the wrong things in your life, you begin letting all the right things the opportunity to catch you

hello friends. I just wanna take a moment to praise my heavenly father for he is good. you see, I'm only 38. but in my life ,Satan didn't care or think I was too young to throw many struggles my way. I was grew up and around alcoholics during those times I was sexually molested by my stepfather and his brother-in-law later on it led to me being introduced to you my drug of choice when I was only 16 but before that I start drinking at 14 I wasn't allowed to tell anybody about the nightmares I was having of my stepfather or his brother-in-law when I mention him to my mom at a young age she told me they were all bad dreams and never to speak of him again and being one who idolized her mom and I fetched myself they were bad dreams until when I was about 14 when it became clear that those bad dreams I have and was having wasn't in fact bad dreams but they were memories that was actually coming back to my reality I drugged real hard from 16 to 18 I found out I was pregnant at 19 and I quit by the grace of God I started using again a little bit with my son was was a little over a year old and then I quit again when I found out I was pregnant again with my daughter at 21 and with her father being in and out of jail throughout your whole life I was beating with a stress of raising two kids at my own so one weekend I decided to get wild and made the choice of I'm using the weekend in DCF is called so of course I failed the UA and they took my children once devastated me so I went from snorting to smoke me my drug of choice and I've could have gotten my children back at any time but my theory was I failed him as a parent's once and the hurt in your eyes and such a young age I mean I could relate about what they're paying because I went through it and the last thing I wanted was for my children to have the same childhood that I did and so I didn't want my children to be around anybody in my family more or less you know being raised around it and and turning out to be like the rest of us so I did the ultimate thing that any mother dreads to do and see my children was placed for their fathers parents of my choice because I didn't want them separated up and Foster homes and I knew with them that my kids would would have a Fighting Chance in a bright future you know ahead of them and though I got bad mouth called a bad mom I didn't love my kids all because I made a choice for them to have a better future even if it meant not in my care so many times the devil almost had me where I just go get them back because I said I didn't lose my lose my rights it was my choice you know I was free to get them back at any time but I didn't let the words of other people determine my children's future I took their punches and till the day I still do just not as much but because I knew in my heart what I wanted for my children when I didn't want for my children and well that goes to tell you throughout the years I still can't continue drugging and I became the one in and out of jail I went to prison I came out of praise I lost my dad when I was in prison and I came out my mom wasn't doing too good I took her in full time the day I came home from prison after 3 years since and I don't regret any moment of it but when I lost her I went crazy my daughter got way used I was far out there I didn't even like myself I tried taking my own life three times but by the grace of God he had bigger plans for me and I after that I even ended up in what I call the devil's corner because I had met a guy who was very abusive and never in my life if I went through the abuse like I did with him and the only thing that I can honestly say is that there wasn't a good that came out of that is he got me I've got off that drug finally it was my Awakening to not want that drug anymore and I don't know how or why it happened because I've been in and out of rehab and in and out of end treatment out treatments nothing worked but this guy you know he was my bottom I seen a lot of myself in him that made me more ashamed of myself because the same things that he done to me and put me through I recognized was the same things I didn't put my own husband through and it was horrible I have been clean from it in 3 years now but getting clean my daughter hated me she she let the lives of others that I didn't love her I chose partying over her etc exedra she let it get to her head and I was and I almost relaxed but God told me no I didn't bring you this far to leave you here and so I remember dad reminded me I had that same page hatred at the same age for toward my mother for her alcoholism and the best thing that my mom could do for me was to give me my space and let me be angry let me hate her for a minute because she had the right I had the right to hate her I had the right of my own feelings and she let me go through them without trying to stop me from feeling him because that's ultimately the worst thing that we could do for our children we must let them Express their feelings because if we're telling them not to be mad at us then we're telling them not to have feelings and we're telling them that we need to control those feelings and not have them and tuck them away which that's the worst thing we could do because I was taught that as a young age and when we hide them that's what cause problems later on like it did for me well I have family issues because my family my brother per say it took us upon himself to think it was best that I was not at the house with the rest of my family when my mother was taking her final breath he thought it would be too much I guess I'm assuming because he's never even apologized to this day and so I still struggle because my whole family got to say goodbye to my mother while she was taking her last breath me and my children didn't and it's affected my children as well and being to my mom's baby of six kids I know I was her favorite it's no secret the bonded me her have is closer than any of them with her other children and that's because of the similarities that we have of our experiences you know it ain't because I'm better than them cuz I'm absolutely not but it's just I get I think that most of you can understand what I'm getting at but it is a struggle to today I have a hard time coping with it and she's been gone for 5 years and for some reason I cannot let go of the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye and they're not you know everybody else is going on with their lives and I'm still stuck you know because I still hold on but but anyways I mean new things that seem to like to me that it's been pointed out to me out throughout the years that a lot of people have always come up to me because I've I've been someone who can relate to people's pain and I've been there I get it you know and I don't judge you know if I judge you for saying things I do then that makes me a hypocrite you know and I don't like hypocrites but I'm on a New journey in my faith with God and I feel like I'm supposed I quit coming in these rooms not because I was better than this room or because I didn't need to help but I took a different lead with it because these rooms ultimately was not helping me they never have until I quit coming in the rooms and going to the meetings I was staying in my habits and my addiction but it doesn't mean that these rooms don't work and that you know they can't save lives because I know they do but it's the thing is there's a deep root of fruit to it then what meets the eye for some of us that's being unrecognized sometimes our health is not in these rooms for some of us you know it it's much deeper and it's so much I can't really explain the word for it but I'm not here to judge or belittle these rooms because I know that there are great help and it's nice to get your feelings and your opinions out on them that's why I'm here you know that's why I've never deleted my account that's why I never deleted the app from my phone it's always been there that way because when I knew I needed to reach out to someone and a time of crisis it was nice to be able to click the button and find somebody on here you know to get feedback and I more than grateful for that but there's just things that I found that works different for me and I'm more than willing to direct someone who finds their self like me that these rooms are not enough like there's we need more of something that's undescribable to help us and I just want to put here that there's not too much as you can see that I have not endured and continue to endure but I'm at that standing point right now that the only thing that really heals me is helping others heal I love that we connect because of our experiences I've been there I've done it but hey check out this new way how I did this you know this is something we don't learn in the in the room you know and so I just want I just want my I just wanted to share that that if there's someone here who feels like they're failing because he's rooms they're not they're not getting what everybody else is getting from these rooms it's okay these rooms ain't met for everybody to get them everything from but don't be like me and keep yourself hindered and trapped in your addiction because you felt like there was no help no hope or anything for you because they didn't work because I'm here to take a stand and say there are other ways some of us just need much more than what we're getting from the rooms on a deeper level and I hope and pray that you take the courage and step out and try to find what actually works for you and your recovery and now put it off for years like I did because I just didn't get it why it was helping others and not me and it I lost hope in myself even worse but I call things for how I see him and the only thing that helps me really was the raw truth and I'm not just meaning the honesty that you hear in the room I'm talking the dead back cold hard raw truth people try to be nice to help you in recovery people try to guide you in a nice way some of us are stubborn and we don't need that nice way cuz that nice way and getting through our thick skulls we need it the hardcore truth the wrong way and nothing less well just know that you are loved you're in the right spot you're in the right place to start is in these rooms but you're not delusional and and you're not a lost cause because you may not be all that you need if you need help with that or if you need to know a much more understanding of where I'm coming from or what I'm all about what I'm talking about they feel free to I am me I'll be more than glad to help the best way I can because that is my only goal is to pay it forward to share the tools that actually worked for me with others. and no I'm not delusional I know I will always be still that at it because the moment we forget that we're still that added to that moment we let's say you can think commence us that we are better than the addicts because we overcome something that they still struggling with that's the moment that we still are trapped by our addictions rather you use still or not you're still in in trap of your addiction when you think you got it all together and you have it because we met none of us actually completely has it all together and has it we fight each day just to keep it together as best as we can I love you all I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday and like I said please by all means don't hesitate to hit my I am up for anything if you just need to vent and need someone to hear you I'll be more glad to listen but do not approach my inbox if you do not want to know or hear the raw truth if you're sensitive if you sensitive like me it's okay because you know I'm I'm a Pisces so you know they say about the Pisces okay we wear our hearts and sleep and we feel everybody's emotions doing and we get what people are thinking of feeling and maybe that's why I can relate to show my own so many levels added cuz you add that to my personal experiences I mean maybe that's why I'm me that's what maybe that's what makes me mean but I'm telling you I will never comfort you with a lie I'm going to hurt you with the truth before I do that and that's okay because that's what some of us needs we don't need to be covered with a lie we need to be hurt with the truth to get through our thick skulls I mean if it looks like shit smells like shit then it must be shit right I mean that's all I'm saying I mean just make sure you're ready for the core truth on some things that we that we may not even realize and knowledge that we got going on but just make sure you're absolutely ready to reach your victory it don't happen overnight it will not happen overnight you will stumble and you will fall but that is not the importance of it what is important is picking yourself back up and laugh at the devil and is trickery tricks and ask him if that's the best he got you're a warrior from within and God has given you everything that you need to overcome that addiction but a lot of people keep God out of the rooms because of their beliefs I've kept him out of my life for a long time and matter fact I didn't see him everyday when I was getting clean and I'm not no bible thumper Christian Pusher over on nobody I am not but what I'm saying is when we go deeper to our true healer that's when we see true results I'm not a very religious person myself but I do believe in in my Lord above I don't walk this Earth without sin I curse unfortunately every day is who I am then I send daily because that's who I am it does not make it right but it's okay God don't condemn me of it God knows what he made when he made me God still stands right there in the midst of our trials y'all wanting to intervene in our lives for us wanting to take that addiction but he can't until we give him the permission to do so and to live by that faith that he's taking it he's uprooting that that desire and he is casting it in the picture of fire back where it belongs with Satan and his troops I hope and wish all of you the best and I hope you truly find your victory and I truly hope you you realize that if you're not getting what you ultimately feel like you need to be getting to get help with any friends it's okay to take the search you know and keep searching don't remain somewhere or in something that you feel deep down in your heart that is not working for you don't I don't care what anybody says you do not keep your self settled in what you know that not that does not work for you that Satan trying to keep you in trapped and from moving you closer to your victory I'm not saying don't ever come to these rooms like I said earlier and I still feel an insurance I love coming to these rooms you know because these rooms do help a lot of people and I praise God for that but there's some of us who need more so please don't ever give up on yourself in your recovery but don't settle in your recovery when you know there's there's more for but if you know for a fact that these you're not getting what you need from these rooms by itself please don't stay in just a room seek out and find what does work for you God makes us each different and uniquely for a reason we all call for a different purpose but what may work for me may not work for you and that's okay because we're not designed to be like everybody else we're not designed to function like everybody else how boring would that be all the whole world be the exactly the same functioning exactly the same we have no entertainment in life but don't keep yourself trapped in what you ultimately deeply feel that does not work for you that is important and I cannot stress to you enough if you feel there's more that you need to be getting trust that God bless all of y'all I love you and never give up