The most enormous pain I had to carry when I was healing was guilt. It was indeed a stress much heavier than the addiction. The substances would make me pain free, but the guilt was lying silent beneath it—waiting, filling, expanding. And when I quit substance abuse, all of that treasure of guilt came up in me at once like a wave I was not expecting at all.
I was guilty of having hurt people.
Guilty of what I had talked about.
Guilty of what I had been ignoring.
Guilty of the money I had spent, the time I had lost, and the trust I had shattered.
Recovering helped me with the understanding, and there I found out the real sad and hard truth in the process. There were times during the beginning of my journey when it was hard to cope with the guilt that I felt.
My reflection in the mirror would see the person who had managed to let down so many people, me included. I was clueless about how to absolve myself of the mess I had made and there was a part of me that did not think I was to be forgiven at all. Being sober eventually made me face the emotions that I have been avoiding for a long time. In this process, guilt was the one that was talking the loudest.
The turning point for me was when I started speaking up in meetings. I could relate so much to others’ stories of guilt. They would share how they had been the cause of the problems, while the emotions they expressed and the ways they expressed them were very similar to mine.
The common words used in these stories were hurting loved ones, losing control, breaking promises, and abandoning themselves. Nevertheless, they were also sharing stories of healing, repairing, and obtaining the skill to exist with compassion rather than punishment.
It was then that I understood that guilt can either be a teacher or a jailer depending on how I relate to it. I began to realize that feeling guilty is not a sign of me being a bad person, but it’s a sign of my caring. It is a sign that I want to become a better person. It is a sign that I’m transforming.
Little by little, I started forgiving myself—not instantly, not fully. I mean, there are days when I move ahead by two steps and then go back one step. However, I’m trying to get softer towards my exposed vulnerable side that was also part of me as it was that side which needed to do some correcting.
I have observed that guilt stops being good for me when it locks me in the same place. When it whispers that I will always be the same. When it makes me believe that I don’t have a right to peace or happiness. Therapy, on the other hand, instructs me to do the reverse: to recognize the past, correct the errors, and then slowly progress further.
One of the philosophies which have been the most helpful to me is this one:
It’s all about accepting the past and not letting it take over the future.
From now on I look at guilt as a source of energy and inspiration rather than a feeling of suffering. I attend. I’m sorry where I’m supposed to be. I give my word and I fulfil it. I act like a moral and an invisible guardian. I make decisions that instead of recognizing the person that I used to be when I was lost, honor the one that I’m turning into.
Learn about: Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention: A Practical Path to Long-Term Recovery
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